gmail chats with nick antosca & kristen iskandrian

tao: i feel like everyone hates me, whenever i go outside and talk to someone

nick: that is a lot of hits
hm
you are a good roommate but also slightly frustrating
a person can like you and still be frustrated with you

tao: how frustrating

nick: i cant really describe how
your impassivity
can be alarming

tao: impassive

nick: no, disconcerting

tao: i thought i was passive
what does impassive mean

nick: impassive=showing no emotion

tao: oh ok

nick: you don't observe niceties or do friendly things

tao: observe niceties

nick: it can lead one to think that you are annoyed

tao: i see
i can understand
what nice things
do you mean
friendly i mean

nick: like, "hey im going to the grocery, do you want anything?"
unnecessary friendly things and stupid conversations
you don't do that

tao: i see

nick: which is fine
im just saying it takes getting used to

tao: i understand
i'm glad i didn't alienate you completely

nick: at first when we were roommates i thought you might be devious or sociopathic
because of shoplifting and blog-related pranks, etc.
that you might do the same sort of thing to roommates
but you never did so i realized i was wrong

tao: i am considerate
am i

nick: you are
i think so, reasonably so
you are entertaining

tao: good

I posted this gmail chat so people will not think I do not like them. People sometimes think that I dislike them. I do not dislike you. My face looks like I dislike you but I do not. My face looks angry or mean or something. That isn't dislike. It's discomfort, existential despair, or severe social anxiety disorder, or something else. It is not dislike. I don't dislike people. I feel amused. If you are standing in front of me acting like an ass I will be amused. I will not have bad feelings toward you.

If I meet you at a reading and you try to talk to me and I stare at you with a fucked facial expression I still like you. Don't worry. I don't like saying a lot of endless meaningless interminable shit. Almost anything a person can say is endless meaningless interminable shit. There is not that much to say about the world. Shit-talking is okay. Kind-hearted shit-talking is okay. I like that. Meaningless shit is good actually. Consciously meaningless shit is okay maybe. Authoritative statements with meaningful intent are interminable to me. "Joy Williams is the best writer of her generation." Or something.

Authoritative meaningful statements without sarcasm is what people mean when they say "Self-righteous" I think. I don't know if people think I am self-righteous. I do not want to be. I know all goals and all meanings in life are arbitrarily determined. "Morals" are arbitrarily arrived at and then followed so that people know what to do in each moment and so can then have a basis in their life with which to form relationships with other humans in order to satisfy existential urges, or something. I will end this part here. If I assumed less than I did with the previous sentence the previous sentence would not be possible and then I would try to assume less with each successive sentence and then a few sentences later I would be typing from point of view of existential abyss of answerless world of shit and massive confusion.

tao: what kind of picture should i post on my blog

kristen: you in library bathroom

tao: i have my face with squid, hamster moose, pentagram, and 666
which one

kristen: you pointing to someone's book
pentagram
or hanmster moose

tao: why would i post that though

kristen: i laughed
i dont know

tao: i mean can i defend myself philosophically

kristen: hmm
'to alleviate boredom,'

tao: will it alleviate boredom though

kristen: part of why i have trouble blogging is just for this reason sometimes

tao: if i post it i might sell more books
so i can have more money to be moral with

kristen: good

tao: and be more moral
yes
success

kristen: i think you are moreal
moral
yes
ok i will go to sleep now

tao: moreal
i laughed
it's just a typo

kristen: soon i will have to do something outrageous
i want to be outrageous

tao: me too

kristen: i laughed
its just a typo is funny

tao: what if i posted my erect penis

kristen: i laughed

tao: i'm scared

kristen: you might sell more books
erect penis will sell books

tao: i'm afraid
it is inevitable i will post that

kristen: i feel scared for you

tao: goo
good

kristen: that is 'outrageous'
this will take your blog to a whole different realm

tao: i should do it really
to sell more books
peopel would link
really i have no choice but to do it, to have more money to help more people and improve the world

kristen: calm somber errect penis
penis with a mission
moral penis

tao: i'm posting moose

*hamster-moose drawing copyright ellen kennedy (poetry and art)
*permission to post gmail chats given by nick antosca (sex story) and kristen iskandrian (interview)