*

i have readings

2008-08-19T17:43:00.011-04:00

august 22, 7:30 p.m. at barbes in park slope for no colony with justin taylor, nick antosca, robert lopez, giancarlo ditrapano
september 4, 7:00 p.m. at 58 west 10th street for a wave books anthology with matthew rohrer and 7 other people
september 10, 7:30 p.m. at word in greenpoint with jen michalski
september 14, 3:00 p.m. at the brooklyn book festival with nathaniel rich, christy c. road for 'generation now'
september 27, 6:00 p.m. at envoy gallery, i'm 'curating' this, zachary german and ellen kennedy are reading

for more about the no colony reading which is this friday go here or here

Gene Morgan (b. 1981) emailed me in I think 2005

2008-08-18T17:00:00.051-04:00

asking if I would submit to a thing. He said he would pay $50. I submitted something and he paid $50 and made something and mailed it to me. In 2006 Gene and I met again, this time on gmail chat. The results were not unsimilar to our 2005 meeting: I received $50 for an amount of writing and he created something. He created Bear Parade.

*NOTE* This post is part of a thing Brandon Scott Gorrell organized where people blog about other people, click Brandon's name for links to all the other posts in this thing. *NOTE*

Today Gene Morgan is a father. He lives in Houston, Texas with his wife and son. His son's name is Royal. One time Gene and I were talking on gmail chat about how both our lungs had collapsed and Gene said he was going to buy me a beer and then paypal'd me $5. The subject of the paypal email said "Beer."

Gene once said something to me on gmail chat. He said "you can call me an asshole / I can be one / women always call me one / because I am 'detached'". One time I said something racist on gmail chat and Gene said "you're in it to win it / damn".

I met Gene once, it was in 2007 in Brooklyn, he was a tall man, his girlfriend and other friends were with him, he read rejection letters people had written to reject Bear Parade submissions. I remember thinking Gene had a "nice head." I also thought Gene's clothes were clean. Gene has said things about hummers, SUVs, chicken sandwiches, poetry journals, eating meat, playing video games, and the environment that have made me feel things.

I have always liked Gene, he has been a unique presence to me on the internet since 2005. Without Gene there wouldn't be Bear Parade and I would be more of an asshole. Based on gmail chats, deductive reasoning, and logic I believe Gene works for 5-30 hours on each Bear Parade book's design. He also thinks about it while away from the computer, I think. I have felt surprise and joy at each of his designs. He actually works hard on something that provides no concrete rewards which conveys to me he has accepted death (this is confirmed in one of his blog posts I think; see end of this post), that if he had to die today he would just die, he wouldn't try to freeze himself using cryonics or secretly put his DNA into storage.

I just really briefly had an image of a chart of how much percentage certain things are in my life and Bear Parade seemed to be like 7% to 9% I think. I think it's more though. The percentage for Gene is probably higher than 7% or 9% since Gene created Bear Parade.

I have read things written by Gene that have made me "stop being a little bitch" for an amount of time. I sort of distinctly remember waking up and feeling like an asshole and doing asshole things or just feeling like I am an asshole and going to the library and sitting down and then reading something on Gene's blog and feeling different and acting different for an amount of time.

Two of the things are here and here. Gene's other published things are here. Gene has a giant archive of things here. Gene sent me a free cell phone when mine broke. Gene's generosity extends beyond free cell phones, free beer through paypal, a Buddha noise thing he sent me in the mail once, and paying more than $500 for Bear Parade books to the abstract in the form of blog posts on being an editor, on confusion and anger, on time and books, on death and meaninglessness, on feeling comfortable, on having less influence, on being a parent.

i interviewed people

2008-08-15T05:10:00.001-04:00

who taught my writing in college

second novel update

2008-08-13T05:32:00.009-04:00

i deleted the last 7000-8000 words of my second novel, i really like my second novel now, it seems really funny now for some reason, 'it feels so funny,' i feel 'victory' a lot, i just had some kind of image i don't want to type here, i have like 18,000 words of 'heavily-edited' things that will be unpublished, maybe i can get published in elimae and elimae-like journals repeatedly for the next 14-18 months using those 18,000 words until the novel comes out, i'm 40% sure tomorrow i won't feel as excited about the new ending as i do right now, the novel is now around 54,000 words which feels 'so good, such a good number for a novel's word count to be,' i'm 'acting like a little bitch' right now i think, i'm not sure, it feels like someone should break down my door and spray mace at me a lot or try to push me out my window

6.5x news item

2008-08-10T23:55:00.025-04:00

brandon scott gorrell's poetry book is available to be published, it has blurbs from me and matthew zapruder

zachary german was interviewed

chris killen's 'the bird room' (canongate, 2009) can now be reviewed on amazon, i think having a lot of reviews on amazon is an effective tool in achieving 'steady cash flow without a real job' (my only purpose in life), i recommend my interns review my books on amazon if they want to feel productive as an intern (go here for more about what i think about amazon reviews), i am chris killen's intern, i blurbed his novel a long time ago

jereme dean is giving away books by me and chris and other people including noah cicero

i am on new york magazine's approval matrix (right side, edited from this)

*url now works* blake butler interviewed me *url now works*, i have a twitter account

i was interviewed on some BBC UK business

2008-08-06T16:50:00.005-04:00

radio thing today by rebecca pike on 'the chris evans show,' go here (or muxtape) to listen, i'm at 1:30

i felt and acted like 'just a little bitch,' 'as expected'

chris evans said 'best guest ever' and something about bukowski

other UK coverage includes the guardian, the observer, granta, and the telegraph; UK rights to my books including eeeee eee eeee & bed are available through my publisher, melville house publishing

tao lin: 'is he a fraud,' 'is he a malicious person,' 'can he be trusted,' and 'does he lie to people to gain free cash,' 'the official post'

2008-08-05T00:26:00.048-04:00

if anyone has been 'frauded' by me or had something 'malicious' done to them by me please comment in the comments section of this post concrete details of what happened, 'if you don't lie about it that would be good'

if anyone has given me money for goods or services and then not received those goods or services please comment in the comments section of this post concrete details of what happened, 'if you don't lie about it that would be good'

if anyone can 'vouch' for me being 'a trustworthy, not malicious person' who 'does what he says in terms of cash, goods, and services' please comment in the comments section of this post concrete details of your experience with me

this post will be useful to me in the future because i can direct all 'shit-talkers' or people who aren't sure if i'm 'a fraud' 'or not' to this post 'with one easy hyperlink'

someone has been typing the same 'shit-talking' things about me and my parents (some of the things are true, like that i have shoplifted and that my dad has been to jail; but other things are not true like that i sold books and then did not mail them, that i 'trashed' the editor of pindeldyboz, that my parents 'escaped' to taiwan, that i have 'never worked a day in my life,' that i 'tried again and again without success to get publishing contracts and the best he can do apparently is a small firm,' etc.) using different names, including 'tao lin,' in many different places (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11), i am 98% sure it is one person and that it is the same person who has been typing similar comments for 2-4 years

i would like to be able to go to those posts (and future posts where that person will probably post similar comments) and 'just post a link to this post'

about 80% of the time when i am getting shit-talked i think 'i really like coconut water' or 'haha' or 'i am getting shit-talked' or 'kombucha bitches unite' or something, but this time the shit-talking was really intense (and caused people to actually distrust me) and i thought something like 'wow, i wonder if this can really defeat me, will i be defeated by this person, will shit-talking finally prevail? is this the person who will actually destroy my career? maybe, but if this person destroys my career by shit-talking that will be funny and "worth it," "what difference does it make" if i have a career or not, i was probably happiest when i was 12 or 13 playing computer games and taking baths while eating wendy's chicken sandwiches and drinking 20-40 ounces of mr. pibb instead of having a career and a blog and statcounter and bookscan; it would be really funny if i was actually destroyed by shit-talking, this person is working so hard, maybe they deserve to prevail over me, it would also be original or something if a hard-working shit-talker won and was happy for winning' someone told me the person was like 'the joker' from 'the dark knight'

i thought that for a while and then earlier today i wanted to make a blog post inviting that person to 'guest blog' on this blog for one post so that all that person's shit-talking about me and my parents could be consolidated into one giant shit-talking post; it would probably be the largest, most intense collection of 'anti-tao lin propaganda' on the internet; i would probably feel excited about life having that on my blog, but now i have this plan to try to 'defeat' the person with many 'testimonials' about my actions in concrete reality

i think either way would be okay

if someone hates me so much that they attack my physical manifestation in the universe while screaming that my gimmicks aren't funny and my books do not have good prose and i lack 'deep formal construction' in my writings and that my dad has been to jail, and hit me a lot, and end up killing me, i would be okay with that, i honestly would be okay with that i think

if a lot of people 'actually band together' to 'defeat' an out of control 'shit-talking entity' i would also be okay with that

right now with this post i want to 'try' the second one (people 'banding together')

(though if the person still wants to 'guest blog' for one post i want to do that also i think, please email me)

if this post succeeds i will be able to paste this post's hyperlink into emails or blogs in any situation where someone isn't sure about me as a person, 'it will be very convenient'

if the 'shit-talking entity' works really hard and creates 100 blogger accounts they could probably still defeat me a lot by in this post, i'm okay with that, if that happens it will be really funny to me and i feel like i would 'have no choice but to accept that i have been defeated, that people will no longer buy my books, that respectable magazines will no longer write about me and barnes and noble will no longer stock my books'

thank you for your time and consideration

please post your experiences with 'tao lin' in the comments section

if you want to use abstractions and say things about my life without using concrete details or talk shit about my books i guess that is also okay; yes, that is also okay; i just want this post to be 'the definitive "shit-talking against tao lin" / "defending tao lin" / "concrete experiences with tao lin regarding if he is malicious or not" / "can i trust tao lin in a business deal" / "should i spend money on a tao lin book" / "what do tao lin-haters and shit-talkers think in detail about tao lin" post' that can conveniently be used from now on as 'the go-to post' whenever anyone wants to know anything about 'tao lin' that can't be known from this post or wikipedia

this post should become known as 'tao lin's other wikipedia page' by having comprehensive information about 'tao lin' that cannot be found on wikipedia including shit-talking, opinions, judgements, rumors, speculation, anecdotes, etc., if you know anyone who does not like me or my books please tell them to come here to talk shit about me and argue with people, there should be a lot of fighting and sometimes an oscar wilde quote, the words 'gimmick' and 'persona' and 'shallow' should appear frequently in certain paragraphs, someone should repeatedly quote someone else adding '[sic]' many times to the quote, the phrase 'typographical error' should be used in a 'damning' tone, two separate people who previously used the terms 'pretentious shit' and 'anti-cliche cliche' should then 'simply quote' 'in whole' rainer maria wilke's poem about the statue and put the last sentence ('you must change your life') in bold

i feel 'good' about this post partly because i feel it has potential to be 'one of the greatest shit-talking events in internet lit-blogging history' due to the intense, hard-working, and anonymous nature of the 'shit-talker' mentioned above and the current 'mad hits' i am getting from various lit sites about investing in my second novel; i also do really want to have a comprehensive post that i can refer people to in the future, i encourage people to say anything they have to say

my cell phone broke

2008-08-03T19:16:00.000-04:00

my cell phone broke

I am offering 60% of the U.S. royalties of my second novel to "the public"

2008-07-31T03:10:00.058-04:00

*UPDATE* Shares are no longer available but there is a "waiting list" in case anyone "changes their mind" before completing the contract. The Telegraph, a NYTimes blog, a New Yorker blog, The Mumbai Mirror linked. *UPDATE*

I am selling 6 shares (of 10% of the U.S. royalties of my second novel) for $2000 per share.

For each share you own you will receive 10% of the U.S. royalties of my second novel.

This includes all U.S. serial, reprint, textbook, and film (and other performance) royalties.

Shareholders will receive checks (and copies of the royalty statement from my publisher) in the mail every 6 months after the book's publication (probably Fall, 2009 or Spring 2010). Shares can be resold at any price at any time, I will facilitate trading and promote it on my blog if that is what a shareholder wants. I accept Paypal.

PROJECTED RETURN

Based on sales of my first novel I project sales of my second novel to be ~13000 after 24 months (if there isn't more mainstream attention than with my first novel). If there is more mainstream attention, and I think there is a 80-90% chance there will be, sales will be "considerably higher" I think. Regardless of the amount of mainstream attention that happens I believe that in the long term sales will remain steady and that my second novel will remain in print.

Based on what I know about my publisher, myself, the book, and my other books I do not at all think that my second novel will "fail" the above projection. My other four books are all currently in print and selling steadily and have gone through multiple printings. With each book (or "retarded essay" in The Stranger) I publish all my other books will sell more copies, and I have 2-3 books planned, and will continue to publish essays and other things. I'll probably keep publishing books until I die. I feel it is inevitable that I will receive mainstream attention at some point, if only because of my effect on "the economy," which mainstream journalists can see (and cannot ignore, due to the nature of publicly-owned companies) when they look at Bookscan, at which point sales of all my books will go up again.

My second novel is linear, focused on one relationship, and a "page turner," I think, though also rereadable. While writing it I have been focused on making it so that you both "need to see what happens next" and "can turn to any page and read it and feel interested." If I ever have a book published that sells a lot more copies than any of my other books there is a 60-70% chance it will be my second novel, I think. It will be ~60,000 words I think. My first novel was ~28,500 words. The Easter Parade by Richard Yates is ~54,000 words.

Film, reprint, and serial royalties are included. If my second novel is published in hardcover (60-70% chance, I think) my publisher will most likely sell the softcover rights to another publisher, and I get 50% of that, and you would get 10% of my 50%, which if the softcover rights sold for $30,000 would be $1500.

I think shareholders should, at worst (based on a low projection and no film/reprint/etc. sales), expect to begin making a profit on their investment within 32-40 months, after which they will "make profits every 6 months for the rest of their lives without having to do anything."

WHY AM I DOING THIS

I quit my job, my last day is in two weeks, this is currently one of my two plans to "make money." My other plan is to just sign another contract for another book, that will "give me" only a month or so though. I think currently I just want money for 3-4 months, at which point I will get some money from the Germany thing probably, I think. People who buy shares will "actually" help me focus more on the novel. I "actually" will work better on my second novel, the way the novel is right now, if I have no obligations or responsibilities at all, I really believe that. There is a 90-95% chance my second novel will be released faster and be higher quality (in my view) if I do not have a "real job," do not feel pressure to sell art or "piles of shit in my room that I draw on" on eBay, and have enough money to without anxiety be able to make "healthy, but sort of expensive" food choices "that make me feel good and healthy and better able to focus on writing instead of feeling like I have eating problems."

That is the "first" reason, without which I might not be doing this, but now that I am doing this there are other reasons also. I think this is another thing people can talk about in terms of me and will "in itself" "increase sales" in the long term. If anyone buys shares they will have concrete motivation to promote me and that also will increase sales. If people buy shares I will probably (55-65%), I think, make even more money than if I had not sold shares of my royalties; and if I do, in the long-term, lose $50,000 or something, after factoring in increased sales from this as a "publicity thing," I feel like I will "definitely feel that it has been worth it, for the experience of being in part a corporation, or 'publicly-owned company.'" I also feel that it will help "fight depression" if I become in some way a corporation instead of a person. I also feel it is "funny" "just to do this offer" which makes me view it like any other "funny" thing I might do in that I feel that something "has already been accomplished" just by making this offer, even if no one buys shares and people "think I'm retarded."

WHY YOU MIGHT WANT TO BUY SHARES

People who buy shares will also have more meaning in life if they already like and promote my writing, because they can promote my writing and also be making money for themselves, which can be exchanged for "goods" in concrete reality; therefore existential despair due to "having to do what you normally wouldn't be doing if you had a lot of money" can be relieved to some extent. Also it will be "funny" and "interesting" "for everyone" probably if people buy shares. You can call yourself a "producer" of my second novel if you want to do that. This is like a grant or something except it's like the stock market or something. You will be a stockholder in "Tao Lin's Second Novel's U.S. Royalties Corporation." "As people resell their shares the price of each share will go up or down, you will see this conveyed on MSNBC as a number going by on the bottom of the TV screen."

If you don't know what to do with your life, or even if you just want to relieve boredom for the 10-15 minutes it will take to send me a check or paypal me, or email me, I recommend that you buy shares of the royalties of my second novel. I recommend this because you will then know what to do for a while, and if you ever feel bored in the future, and own shares of my second novel, you know you can always promote me in order to make more money for yourself. You will never not know what to do with your life again if you own shares in my second novel, sort of. I think if Joy Williams was 25 and didn't want to have a job anymore so she could work harder on her novel, and was selling shares of that novel, the main reasons I would purchase shares would be "it will be funny if I do it" and "at least it's something different or something" and "I think I will feel less bored with life if I own shares of the royalties of a Joy Williams novel."

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION

For more information about sales of my previous books and my royalty rates and other things email me. At any point, if shareholders need money and want to sell their shares back to me, and I have extra money to buy back the shares, I will buy back the shares. If, also, at any point, shareholders want me to try to sell their shares at cost or for a profit I will advertise their share on this blog or some other site that I might make. I "can be trusted," look at my eBay rating. I will create contracts and have them notarized. You can have my phone number, address, etc., I promise I will not kill myself within 5-10 years. Really I don't think "trust" is an issue, I feel like people can trust me.

Email me: binky.tabby [at] gmail.com.

the german publisher of 'haruki murakami' is publishing 'eeeee eee eeee'

2008-07-29T18:06:00.015-04:00

dumont literatur is publishing eeeee eee eeee in german

their 'haruki murakami' page is here, i think most germans will 'just assume' i'm the same person as 'haruki murakami' or else think 'what difference does it make,' in this way i will probably replace 'haruki murakami' in germany

i am now really the asian haruki murakami in germany or something, i hope my cover is this but with a hamster

get 'you are a little bit happier than i am' or some other book free

2008-07-26T16:46:00.000-04:00

small press distribution has a thing where you email them a poem and they send you a free book

5x news item

2008-07-19T18:57:00.005-04:00

bearcreekfeed published a plain story, simply told by mazie louise montgomery

'the asian reporter' reviewed eeeee eee eeee & bed

shoplifting from america apparel has been translated to french and italian

small press distribution updated their website, you can buy you are a little bit happier than i am from them, the new york times published their best-seller list twice

my 'sex writing' has been discussed here and here

6x news item

2008-07-10T18:49:00.037-04:00

burning babies (the legend of burning babies) and the insurgent by noah cicero are available, the first half of 'the insurgent' is really emo, 'the sunny day real estate of noah cicero novels'

kelly ginger (poetry) made movies of coconut water dancing and something else

a professor at a college is using cognitive-behavioral therapy for a clinical psychology class and a personality class

adbusters is publishing room night

chris killen organized people to describe their blogs

brandon scott gorrell published hair care tips

'k-mart realism'

2008-07-08T15:15:00.052-04:00

'this recording' published an essay by me called tao lin guide to k-mart realism

for more 'k-mart realism' information click these links: an essay called 'the fiction we deserve', (1987), an essay called 'the minimalist short story' with a giant works cited list with many 'k-mart realism' things (1996), a frederick barthelme interview (2004), a chart i made (2005), a dennis cooper post about joy williams (2006), a post about frederick barthelme and the mississippi review (2007), a post about noon magazine (2007)

the first three articles above are pasted in the comments section (comments 41, 42, 43)

here is a list of books i like that i think of as 'k-mart realism' in some way

(1939) good morning, midnight by jean rhys
(1943) two serious ladies by jane bowles
(1961) color of darkness by james purdy
(1976) chilly scenes of winter by ann beattie
(1976) distortions by ann beattie
(1978) secrets and surprises by ann beattie
(1982) taking care by joy williams
(1982) shiloh and other stories by bobbie ann mason
(1985) tracer by frederick barthelme
(1988) two against one by frederick barthelme
(1989) natural selection by frederick barthelme
(1990) escapes by joy williams
(2001) why did i ever by mary robison
(2004) honored guest by joy williams

i like looking at the list and thinking about each of the books; all of the books on the list feel distinct to me, i look at the title and date of each book and experience feelings different than when i look at the title and date of each of the other books

'the mystery books' is a band from gainesville, fl

2008-07-03T02:06:00.004-04:00

they recorded a song using words from this poem and i made a music video

their myspace page is here and they have a split tape with chris clavin you can buy here or here

also there is a band from columbus, ohio called 'couch forts' that recorded a song called 'tao lin'

i typed answers

2008-06-30T18:13:00.009-04:00

to this interview 7-8 months ago, i just read it and it seems acceptable i think

they also published two poems from cognitive-behavioral therapy which blake butler reviewed

norman mailer's organic watermelon

2008-06-26T17:41:00.018-04:00

1. east coast matthew rohrer and his son on the cover of next month's 'poets and writers,' 'national geographic,' and 'vanity fair' 2. someone broke into my room and vandalized my poetry book while i was facing the other direction thinking about whether or not i was 'ruining my career' 3. a photo i took when i saw norman mailer in nyu's library five years ago and he left the computer without closing his internet 4. i created a physical manifestation of what i want my next novel to be like

i want my next novel to be like a 10-piece chicken nugget meal

2008-06-24T02:46:00.026-04:00

mcdonald's 10-piece chicken nugget meals look really clean and refined, like something has been taken from nature and worked on a lot, making it seem very unnatural and exciting and without bacteria or sand on it

the opposite of a 10-piece chicken nugget might be the 1/2 dragon bowl from angelica kitchen if purchased for take out

the 1/2 dragon bowl gets 'compacted' into a tiny container, when you open the container a moment of confusion is experienced, you see something that has no primary colors and is really wet and mushy and gives off images that do not make you think of specific foods, and then a thought process must occur where you think about what it factually is before you can eat it and feel healthy, it looks like a livejournal entry by a 13-year-old girl who has a degenerate disease that makes her look like an 65-year-old woman which you can see from her profile picture

a 10-piece chicken nugget appears just really good, it has bright colors, the container is colorful and looks expensive and does not contain any colors that make you think about being 65-years-old like gray or brown and no colors that make you feel like life is really shitty like dull purple or dull green, it is never mushy or wet, and when you look at it it is difficult to not eat it with barbeque sauce unless you first apply logic to your brain and make yourself think about certain things, hopefully my next novel can be like that a little

some aspects of a 10-piece chicken nugget are maybe not things i want my next novel to be like

i just want my next novel to feel very clean and not make anyone feel dirty, if someone is reading my next novel and eating organic grapes they should feel severely detached in a high-quality way that is really enjoyable

i have a short story called 'new york university'

2008-06-20T18:30:00.019-04:00

in the forthcoming first issue of no colony edited by blake butler and ken baumann

the guardian has a lorrie moore profile that says 'she is about to deliver her third novel'

i watched this and thought 'this person has been defeated' and felt intense feelings of victory and domination then felt detached from those feelings then felt a strong 'neutral facial expression' on my face then felt defeated

i have put things on ebay

2008-06-19T04:54:00.005-04:00

*update* the things have sold for $85 *update*

i have new ideas and 25-30 new poems

2008-06-16T18:01:00.002-04:00

i have new ideas about what i want to say in interviews from now on, if anyone wants to interview me about cognitive-behavioral therapy email me, if anyone wants to review cognitive-behavioral therapy for real email me and i can ask melville house to send you one with 'press materials' inside

i have 25-30 poems that show 'the real tao lin' in issue three of zachary german's magazine that you can get by paypal'ing zachary german $5, if you are an enterprising journalist that wants to profile me at some point revealing secrets about me and ruining my career in the future when i have a career that can be ruined it would be helpful to you if you ordered this chapbook i think

jaguar uprising press and other things 'have arrived'

2008-06-13T18:11:00.000-04:00

jaguar uprising press is associated with bore parade which has published 'satires' of 'you are a little bit happier than i am,' 'eeeee eee eeee,' and 'eat when you feel sad' and also kendra grant malone's journal entries, it is created by mike bushnell

there is a new issue of lamination colony

will hubbard reviewed bed

edward champion reviewed my life (second item)

i am in this anthology by wave books

there is an article about me by johannes thumfart in germany's most widely-read weekly newspaper, the google translation is in the comments section (46th comment), the title translated to 'write like a depressive dolphin!'

*update* a german said 'emo' in the comments section of the article *update*

i read jillian clark's poetry book

2008-06-11T20:26:00.005-04:00

and liked it, you can buy it here and read her poems here and here

werner herzog's sexual orgy

2008-06-08T23:10:00.037-04:00

i should read that at every reading i have until it makes me kill myself

i feel really alone when i am standing there reading the same line

i like the reviews it got here

I interviewed Noah Cicero for his new novel Treatise

2008-06-05T15:53:00.012-04:00

Treatise by Noah Cicero was published June 2nd. It was reviewed by Hipster Book Club (2006 interview). Noah had a book release party. There is a blurb on the back of Treatise by me that says, "In 2350 Noah will be dead and Treatise will be taught in colleges and published as a commemorative hardback edition with a red ribbon for a bookmark."

To get a copy of Treatise to review or to interview Noah email Noah at noah.cicero [at] gmail.com. One of Noah's secretaries will read the email and send you a copy of Treatise. Add Treatise on goodreads. I interviewed Noah below.

1. What would Barack Obama say about Treatise?

Barack Obama would go up to the podium with that strange smile on his face. Like he just farted and tell everyone, "Last night I read a book by a person named Noah Cicero. A fine American. A good American. An American. (Applause) He says some very discourging things about Americans. He is typical of those who have lost hope. But with my health care program that will provide health care to like five people thoughts like his will end. (applause) (Barack Obama smiles) America will regain its once superpower status and Jesus loves you. (applause) (Barack Obama gets a drink of water.) Noah Cicero's problem is that he doesn't believe in change one can believe in because he knows that is a tautology and doesn't mean anything. Now I went to Harvard and I know what a tautology is. And I know it doesn't make any sense. But you don't. I'm tricking you. You're stupid. (applause.) Often I have thought about leaving everything and becoming blue collar, doing some work with my hands, being a normal person. (Barack Obama smiles at the union delegates in the audience.) But I have decided to go higher, to become president so I can help all these little sad people get things like, and because I've never actually worked a day in my life just like Hillary and McCain. Hmm, I don't know. I love America and Noah Cicero sucks and should be shot, and I don't understand why freedom of speech allows for this. (applause.)

2. If everyone in the world could have a magic tupperware container that materializes one piece of food each day would you want the piece of food to be a tomato, an apple, or a McDonald's apple pie and why?

It is early in the morning now. Birds are singing outside. The sun is out, shining, life is good. Many are up this morning worrying. About something like their future, or their relationship, or bills, or impressing someone or certain people. I am up this morning listening to the birds responding to this question only. Later I will mow the grass, hook up a garbage can to the gutter system on my roof to gather water for plants, and then go to eat. I have not gotten to those events yet, I am at this event. This event of typing with the door open, listening to the birds is a fine event, and I'm doing it, right now. I'm not going to worry, I was perplexed for a long time if I thought the tomato or apple was better. Both can be preserved as sauces, tomato as a soup. Apples can be caramelized into sugar and fermented which is plus. They would save me in a time of need. At night I listen to the frogs sing.

3. If Fernando Pessoa emailed you saying he's really lonely what would you type in your reply email?

Today at work the boss was standing there talking to us cooks. It was hot in the kitchen and we were sweating. The boss said, "What would you like to drink?" One cook said, "Jack and Coke on the rocks." Another said, "A cold bud weiser." Another said, "Hennesy and coke." Everyone listed their alcoholic drink of choice. All I could think was, "A cold starbucks coffee mocha." I didn't say it outloud. I knew only humiliation could result from that.

All the cooks were talking about how women were stupid and only good for sex, and that they drove them to drinking. I said, "Maybe if you talk to them without the intention of sex, you'll find out they are just like men." They looked at me like I was an asshole.

At Giant Eagle there a lot of bags of chips, a lot of bottles of 2 liter soda, that makes me feel really lonely.

4. What is Treatise's place in your oeuvre?

The Human War is my war book. My book about war, it doesn't take place in Iraq, it takes place nowhere near the war. It is better than The Naked and The Dead. If The Human War turned into an animal it would be a wolverine and The Naked and The Dead would be a small baby mouse. The wolverine would eat the baby mouse and shit it out without even digesting it because there is nothing The Human War finds nutritious about The Naked and The Dead.

The Condemned is my mother/sex/hell poem story. I made a mistake in The Condemned. I say a man found out about agriculture. That is wrong. They believe it was women. I am very sorry about that. It would have been better, it would have went with the woman being in The Warrior. A woman impowerment story. Impowered to do what I don't know. I wanted to say things about sex. I don't even have sex now. My penis is alone and is untouched and no naked woman sits on my lap and pumps. My view of sex does not sell books. Tom Wolfe's does though. I am better than Tom Wolfe also. He has long plots, but I have child beating.

Burning Babies is my poem to all that Youngstown and America. Sometimes I do not write well. That is true. But sometimes to show something for what it is, you can't write well. Hemingway wrote well in For Whom the Bell Tolls. No one reads that book anymore. The Trial and Good Morning, Midnight are not written well, we read them still. Revolutionary Road is written well, we love that. The Trial and Good Morning, Midnight are about convoluted horrible situations. Revolutionary Road is about a situation is that is very streamlined and perfect and well rounded.

Treatise was copied from MY LIFE. I always wanted to write a story about a rich kid who falls to blue collar standing and becomes that type of creature. Like Buck in The Call of the Wild. This is my philosophy book. It is not a novel, a philosophy book. Burning Babies is a poetry book. I wanted to write a philosophy book. But I cannot, because I do not have a doctorate of philosophy. And I can only really tell my ideas through the use of stories. I believe in context, in connecting, putting the pieces together, stringing things in order. Paul Fussel wrote a book called CLASS, I read it after I wrote Treatise, pretty much everything in CLASS is in Treatise. But he doesn't show them interacting. I wanted live interaction. I did not show a poor person becoming rich because that would be a different type of story, a different genre. Poor people who become rich disgust me because that shows me they hate their class. I think Bukowski hated his class. I don't hate my class. I don't care if someone enjoys four wheeling or fishin or country music. One day you said to me, "Noah, you eat at Kentucky Fried Chicken." I thought about it for a long time and concluded there was some worthwhile in rich people, they made things like Kentucky Fried Chicken, computers and produced movies like Scarface. I met people like you, Antosca who went to Yale, and some other wealthy people through the use of the internet. I realized it isn't class that matters when it comes to kindness and happiness. What matters is how much one wants power and control. Dick Cheney is rich and wants power and control at any cost. Gene Morgan or you who could have used your money and become a business man and sought power and control. Decided to become writers and help people get their things published based on ability not on class or color. There are poor people who work their way up at Wendy's and Taco Bell only to gain power and control and to torture the people around them. I know that everyone wants to have a sense of power over their life, I'm not fighting that. What I am fighting are those who want to control for the sake of feeling better inside. Courteous people can come from any class. Living a nice little life on planet earth can be done with little money. For me to condemn one or another is saying, "I believe in America and its Protestant German value system." I don't believe in it. There is a difference in money and power. Money buys things which is purchasing power, but you can choose to only buy things instead of controlling humans, which is the flesh trade. Many people have money in America but few have real power. The owner of Kentucky Fried Chicken does not start wars. The elite owners of oil companies, arms companies, and bankers have the real power. They are the makers of this world. I hear people fighting about politics all the time, about what should be done and how it should be done, on the internet there is a lot of this. I say to them, "That is a good idea but you aren't in power." Misail knows he grew up some money and the power of to go to a nice college. But he knows he is not part of the world of power.

5. Have you considered freezing yourself and coming back in 3100 to see what is happening?

I have always thought about freezing myself. I do not like the idea of death. I know it is nothingness. So I do not want to die. I would like to see what is going on. I like history. I like how things change. I would like to see how people handle the energy crisis. If it will return to some dark ages. It would be interesting. I think this whole energy crisis is a wonderful experiment. No one knows how it will turn out. It is unpredictable. It is like us humans are writing our own real life novel. With a million subplots going in different directions, but all connected around the protagonist of oil. People have been so obsessed with controlling their reality for fifty years that we have all become OCD in someway. We don't wash our hands, but we check the news and weather every day trying to gather information, to give one a sense of control over reality. I like watching and I like to watch myself be unable to gather information and how weird it can all get.